I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
