walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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