I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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