I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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