it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My penis needs a shock collar
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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