last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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