I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
