My first STD was from a foam party
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
