i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Houston, we have a blender
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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