listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize