i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
