I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
