I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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