you would pick up someone in the library
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
