I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Randomize