bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize