just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
