you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
