In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
