Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
