There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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