My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
