Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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