i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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