My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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