You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
