She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
