Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
