There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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