I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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