I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
