Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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