So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Randomize
