He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
