I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize