I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
