his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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