is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
