I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
