You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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