We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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