I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
