yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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