Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
