u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
