8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Houston, we have a blender
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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