please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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