Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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