She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
