I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
