My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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