Christians are straight up FREAKS
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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