Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Randomize
