I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Randomize
